I keep returning to that tarot card, the magic wand, that the part-time fortune-teller and part-time fashion designer (and a rival of my girlfriend) read for me a year ago. I have never been much of a believer of the mystical, but she was right in saying that my greatest problem was “having too many ideas”. That is certainly me. My mind is a stack of papers thrown in the wind.
I believe I still don’t know myself. Not truly. Something is happening behind the scenes that makes me change from one passion to another. It is likely the fear, but I don’t know where the fear originates.
What I do know is the fear creates the resistance and the resistance makes me stand still, never moving forward with my goals and plans.
In my head I can organize things logically. Do this thing first, then do that second. But once I try to actually follow the plan, it all slowly comes apart at the seams.
I’m a few days into my newest plan to finish the second volume of my web novel. But my mind is pulling me in five different ways.
Write the western screenplay!
Finish the Odyssey rewrite!
Email out Agency queries!
Rewrite the sci-fi short story!
Start that online drawing class!
One problem is that none of these projects are ever “complete”. Part of that is because my skill keeps growing and thus older projects require rewrites, or it is because I am never objective during my writing process and it is not until later when I reread my work that I can properly see it for what it is–imperfect.
This breeds a never-ending cycle of editing and rewriting. Perhaps the solution is to just call a thing done, but how do you turn away from fixing something when you see the errors so clearly?
My mind is in the constant state of making circles with itself. All the while I am walking around the station and never boarding the train.
So what is the solution to this miserable situation?
Somehow I must take control of the steering wheel, but I feel as though my consciousness, the Freudian ego side of it, is only a deckhand on the ship and not the captain. It knows what needs to be done, but it’s not high enough in the hierarchy to get a say-so.
My first attempt at a solution was to write all these thoughts out. Sometimes that helps. It clears the mind and I can find a new emotion to sail on. But I don’t seem to have found that this time.
I think what I need is a mentor. Someone who has traveled the trail before and can point me in the right direction. Even though deep down I probably do know what the right direction is, my own voice is not authoritative enough to get me to move accordingly.
I have no idea how one goes about getting a mentor. I’m currently based in a country where English is not the native language, and though there are people who write English here, most are not ones you’d want to associate yourself with. I am most likely nearly in that category myself.
I suppose I could make an attempt at contacting writers that I admire. But my thought process on that idea is this: I might as well phone the president and grab lunch with Scarlett Johanson while I’m at it.
What is that one quote relevant to this? Victory favors the bold?
Oh, I just looked it up, it’s ‘fortune favors the bold.’ That’s true as well, but I’d say I see writing more as a battle to be won than as rewards to be gained.
It appears that this exercise has not reduced my circle of thoughts but grown it. Here’s the latest one:
Find a mentor!